Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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