Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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