Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
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