Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
