____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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