I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Randomize
