I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
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