Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
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