He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
