Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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