im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
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