I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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