I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
