sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
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