Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
