bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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