girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
