I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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