you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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