Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Less talking, more tequila
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
