I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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