That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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