i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
