Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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