I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
