I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
