I wannas sexs uuuuu
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
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