The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
we're so committed to being not committed
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
