Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
