The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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