I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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