Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
