your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Randomize
