He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
