the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
