One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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