Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Randomize
