Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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