I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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