he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
