I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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