p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Randomize
