my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
