is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
