don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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