I faked an abortion last night.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
