I feel great
I just peed on a car
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
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