I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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