how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Someone signed my nipple.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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