i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
