i may or may not be watching the land before time
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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