In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
